Terrible, horrible and crazy me...I have not spoken to her for what seems like weeks now. Occisonally an sms here or there, but I can go on days without thinking of her now. What is going on? Is God answering my cries? Maybe...but I still need a clean break. That's what I think is best for her and myself. After all, why would I want to let someone who had the power to break me, break me once again?
She still writes to me, and the last letter I read tore a hole in my chest...yet again. The same hole I felt years back when I thought I was loosing her completely. I still don't believe she's back again. I can't believe she expects me to throw everything aside just to be back with someone who didn't appreciate or treasure me when she had a chance.
I don't think she has earned my trust yet nor will she ever get 100%, cause the moment we were finished I've learnt a valuble lesson. Love gives someone the power to break you. I can't be fixed ever since. I walk around with this pain in my chest. My eyes water at the slight rememberance of her. My body shuts down, couldn't eat nor drink or function like a normal human being. I stare at the wall for hours not knowing what I have left to live for. Not something I'll wish upon any living soul.
Things got better after I met W. Till I met G. Both played a part in bringing me out of my misery slightly. But I know I can never Love W 100% like how I did for J. Distrust and all...Sigh...Will I ever get over this? They said time heals. I'm still waiting.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Quotes
"Fate is neither just nor unjust, it's simply unavoidable. It is just what it is. That's why it's always right as well."-Joisten Garder, Maya.
Seldom, very seldom does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken. - Jane Austen, Emma
I didn't find anyone to teach me. As a matter of fact, I believe that everyone we meet knows at least one thing that we don't know. And everyone we meet has a story to tell and a lesson to offer if we are open to them. - unknown
Do what you love and you'll find someone who love the same thing. Don't look for love, beg for love or suffer for love. Just live!-Unknown
As human beings, are we free to live our lives according to our own desires, in a accordance with out will, or are we merely powerless pawns in the hand of destiny? These are potent questions that in some way or another confront us all, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. In a sense, I do believe that our fate is pre-determined. Yet paradoxically, I do not believe that this absolves us of our responsibility to try to alter it for the greater good, nor do I believe that fate has the final word. We might even say we are co-authors with fate of our destiny."- Chen Kaige
People are really good at heart , they don't want to be evil, but they face all kinds of compromises. I do think that most of us are afraid we're evil. We're afraid we've chosen the selfish path. We've never been able to successfully balance our selfish desires with what the world and morality seem to require of us. - Anne Rice
Seldom, very seldom does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken. - Jane Austen, Emma
I didn't find anyone to teach me. As a matter of fact, I believe that everyone we meet knows at least one thing that we don't know. And everyone we meet has a story to tell and a lesson to offer if we are open to them. - unknown
Do what you love and you'll find someone who love the same thing. Don't look for love, beg for love or suffer for love. Just live!-Unknown
As human beings, are we free to live our lives according to our own desires, in a accordance with out will, or are we merely powerless pawns in the hand of destiny? These are potent questions that in some way or another confront us all, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. In a sense, I do believe that our fate is pre-determined. Yet paradoxically, I do not believe that this absolves us of our responsibility to try to alter it for the greater good, nor do I believe that fate has the final word. We might even say we are co-authors with fate of our destiny."- Chen Kaige
People are really good at heart , they don't want to be evil, but they face all kinds of compromises. I do think that most of us are afraid we're evil. We're afraid we've chosen the selfish path. We've never been able to successfully balance our selfish desires with what the world and morality seem to require of us. - Anne Rice
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
After 4 years
So after so many years, we finally met. After when I had the courage to pick up the pieces and patch my life back together without her . Now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and a diamond ring on my finger. His family loves me and I love them too. I am attending church and am an active leader in it as well. Worship is my thing in church and I'm becoming good at it. 2.5 years of bliss and all along I felt a piece missing in my life. God saved me from dying that slow painful death, and this is how I repay him...
She and I started talking not too long ago. I found out from my friend that J told her that the person she loved the most is me. I didn't know what to make of it at first. Getting to know her all over again was excruciating painful. It felt like opening old wounds every single time. Throughout J's relationship with her gf, J never threw out the things I left her. The letters I wrote her are still sitting in her box. The monkey I gave her in storage. Our engagement rings still in existence, one of which is around my neck now. Cats still healthy and well. Her gf (V) and her had very little in common, but V was able to give her companionship, a home with a mother that accepts her for being gay, she's kind hearted and smart too. How much more can you ask in a gf. Most importantly, she lived in their hometown. Communication was a no brainer.
She was still calling me when she was with V. We talked on Msn and sms sometimes. Nothing flirty or anything but eventually I decided to cut her off completely. It was too painful and I couldn't fully concentrate on W. She checked my facebook or friendster whenever she could and V found out about it. V didn't love the cats and always stated they were my cats and not hers. Things eventually fell through when V fell in love with J's good friend. Jealousy and insecurity eventually set in and among other things. J said as time passed, she found out that she has made a mistake. Started regretting that she didn't give us a chance. She did try to make everything work with V, and knowing her she must have tried really hard. J never threw me out even though everything seem to be going well for her in those years. I threw all her letters, cards, monkey Kha. I regret that severely. When we got the talking, it was like coming home.
J and I decided we had to deal with these feelings when I returned from Perth. We have been talking every night and the feelings just won't dial down. She was extremely happy and everyone around her could feel it. Everyone knew she was happy again. Despite W being in my life. Despite the fact that we'll be getting married very soon. What am I doing? I don't deny the fact that I am doing something so very terrible, but I have to be honest with myself. I have to find out if I can truly live forever without her in my life. If I am going to make a huge mistake.
As soon as I arrived back in Singapore, we met the following day with her friends. I was petrified. I couldn't say a single word without wanting to run out of the room. That night we sat at the old playground below my block and faced our greatest dilemma. I eventually told her I could never leave W after all he has done for me. She looked so stressed out and perhaps sad? I don't know, while sitting on that bench, all I wanted to do was to hold her and told her everything was going to be OK. That she would always be the person i loved the most on this earth. I don't know why I reached out and took her hand in mine. I wanted to comfort her I suppose. She never let me release my hand. The next thing I know, we kissed.
It was earth shattering. All the fear, sadness and worry went away with that kiss. How can I deny how I feel? I knew I was in trouble, but I also knew I had to be faithful. This was crossing the line. So what can I do? I felt awful, terrified and disgusted with myself. I am not this person. I am not the person who cheats. I told C about what happened and she was mad at me. Who won't be? I am mad at myself too.
Now we're working things out together. She told me to give her a second chance. She told me a lot of things that made me question her actions before. V was just a substitute she says. She didn't know at the beginning. She realised as time past. She told me if she didn't take this chance now, she knew she would loose me forever. That is why this is happening now. That is why she can't wait for me to break up with W before telling me. Cause I would never leave him.
Up till now I don't know if I can do it. He is my life, he told me he can't live without me. I know how depressed he can get and I do not want to see the person I love spiral down into something so dark and twisted and having to pick up the pieces by himself. I won't let sth that happened to me before happen to him. He is so happy now...I need to get out of J's world. I need to break someones heart and I don't know if I can do it. I hate being the hurter.
Choosing her meant giving up my life totally. Family will probably disown me. Church will not want a gay person on the centre stage. My pastors are like my extended family who loves me to bits. How can I disappoint them? Help. God, if you see this and hear my cries can you please help me. She broke my heart and I don't think i can ever trust her again. W's heart is only for me, he never forsaken me and he is clueless now. I hate the fact that I'm hiding sth from him. I never use to. And I never want to ever again. He accepted me fully, my past and everything in between. How can I do this to him.
Maybe I should just be alone. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved at all. Maybe I actually don't. Maybe I belong in hell for what I'm doing. Maybe this is taking someones love for granted. This is betrayal. God help me.
She and I started talking not too long ago. I found out from my friend that J told her that the person she loved the most is me. I didn't know what to make of it at first. Getting to know her all over again was excruciating painful. It felt like opening old wounds every single time. Throughout J's relationship with her gf, J never threw out the things I left her. The letters I wrote her are still sitting in her box. The monkey I gave her in storage. Our engagement rings still in existence, one of which is around my neck now. Cats still healthy and well. Her gf (V) and her had very little in common, but V was able to give her companionship, a home with a mother that accepts her for being gay, she's kind hearted and smart too. How much more can you ask in a gf. Most importantly, she lived in their hometown. Communication was a no brainer.
She was still calling me when she was with V. We talked on Msn and sms sometimes. Nothing flirty or anything but eventually I decided to cut her off completely. It was too painful and I couldn't fully concentrate on W. She checked my facebook or friendster whenever she could and V found out about it. V didn't love the cats and always stated they were my cats and not hers. Things eventually fell through when V fell in love with J's good friend. Jealousy and insecurity eventually set in and among other things. J said as time passed, she found out that she has made a mistake. Started regretting that she didn't give us a chance. She did try to make everything work with V, and knowing her she must have tried really hard. J never threw me out even though everything seem to be going well for her in those years. I threw all her letters, cards, monkey Kha. I regret that severely. When we got the talking, it was like coming home.
J and I decided we had to deal with these feelings when I returned from Perth. We have been talking every night and the feelings just won't dial down. She was extremely happy and everyone around her could feel it. Everyone knew she was happy again. Despite W being in my life. Despite the fact that we'll be getting married very soon. What am I doing? I don't deny the fact that I am doing something so very terrible, but I have to be honest with myself. I have to find out if I can truly live forever without her in my life. If I am going to make a huge mistake.
As soon as I arrived back in Singapore, we met the following day with her friends. I was petrified. I couldn't say a single word without wanting to run out of the room. That night we sat at the old playground below my block and faced our greatest dilemma. I eventually told her I could never leave W after all he has done for me. She looked so stressed out and perhaps sad? I don't know, while sitting on that bench, all I wanted to do was to hold her and told her everything was going to be OK. That she would always be the person i loved the most on this earth. I don't know why I reached out and took her hand in mine. I wanted to comfort her I suppose. She never let me release my hand. The next thing I know, we kissed.
It was earth shattering. All the fear, sadness and worry went away with that kiss. How can I deny how I feel? I knew I was in trouble, but I also knew I had to be faithful. This was crossing the line. So what can I do? I felt awful, terrified and disgusted with myself. I am not this person. I am not the person who cheats. I told C about what happened and she was mad at me. Who won't be? I am mad at myself too.
Now we're working things out together. She told me to give her a second chance. She told me a lot of things that made me question her actions before. V was just a substitute she says. She didn't know at the beginning. She realised as time past. She told me if she didn't take this chance now, she knew she would loose me forever. That is why this is happening now. That is why she can't wait for me to break up with W before telling me. Cause I would never leave him.
Up till now I don't know if I can do it. He is my life, he told me he can't live without me. I know how depressed he can get and I do not want to see the person I love spiral down into something so dark and twisted and having to pick up the pieces by himself. I won't let sth that happened to me before happen to him. He is so happy now...I need to get out of J's world. I need to break someones heart and I don't know if I can do it. I hate being the hurter.
Choosing her meant giving up my life totally. Family will probably disown me. Church will not want a gay person on the centre stage. My pastors are like my extended family who loves me to bits. How can I disappoint them? Help. God, if you see this and hear my cries can you please help me. She broke my heart and I don't think i can ever trust her again. W's heart is only for me, he never forsaken me and he is clueless now. I hate the fact that I'm hiding sth from him. I never use to. And I never want to ever again. He accepted me fully, my past and everything in between. How can I do this to him.
Maybe I should just be alone. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved at all. Maybe I actually don't. Maybe I belong in hell for what I'm doing. Maybe this is taking someones love for granted. This is betrayal. God help me.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I guess saying farewell is never easy. But i have said mine, which is only half of a goodye. Long distance relationships are difficult.
Farewell
Fate brought us together
Fate also tore us apart
Before a geological barrier settled in between
We were as tight as buckles
We were invincible
We trusted each other completely
& most importantly
We loved each other so much
We thought that our love could over come all obstacles
But fate decided to turn it's back on us
I was never there when you needed me
She was there when u needed someone
I didn't give you the care and understanding you required
She was there to fill in those blanks
She stayed beside you & held you through your worst moments
The things i should have done...
I thought you were strong enough...
But now i know you're frail..
I've failed you as a girlfriend and a fiance
I've haven't tried my best to spend sufficient time with you
Neither have i given you the shoulder you needed
I was never there
& i deserve this ending...
Now...
Looking at my bowl of Korean noodles with a single egg with a perfect yolk makes tears swell in the corner of my eyes..
Leather pouches, bags and hand crafts were bought but never given...
Black letters and white pens... Black earrings...
Monkies & FroGGies brings backs so much memories
That are so hard to just sweep aside
Hearing that you're sick makes my heart ache
Hearing that you're sad makes me even sadder...
The worst is to know that you still care...
And i know you still love me ...
But we are just not possible...
At least not now...
So much pain and sorrow I've brought you
I just want to say I'm sorry
I didn't cherish you enough
& I'm glad you've found her
You told me that you'll learn to forget me
Can i say don't go?
I told you a lie & i know you can tell
But i can't lie about one thing
& that is i still love you
But seeing you happy is more than enough
At least now there's someone to cherish you more than i
At least now I'm being punished for my selfishness
At least now you can have the simple life you've longed for
And i meant it with all my heart when i said that I'm happy for you
Now...
I'll just have to learn to let you go
Slowly I'll learn to be me again
If fate really meant for us to be together
We'll meet again sometime in our lives
Maybe than we'll have a happy ending
Maybe than i can complete your lose bits again
You were the greatest gf one could hope for
At least to me you were...
& i never regretted being with you
Thanks for every single thing you have done for me
Thanks for all the happy memories
I'll carry them in my heart forever
And my doors are always open for you
& you know it...
I'll learn from these mistakes
& if there's one chance
I'll take it...
Just one word from you is all i need
My final goodbyes to you Jia Jia
Yours Only,
Kha Kha
(20th March 05-30th October 06)
p.s(Sometimes Love just ain't enough...)
Farewell
Fate brought us together
Fate also tore us apart
Before a geological barrier settled in between
We were as tight as buckles
We were invincible
We trusted each other completely
& most importantly
We loved each other so much
We thought that our love could over come all obstacles
But fate decided to turn it's back on us
I was never there when you needed me
She was there when u needed someone
I didn't give you the care and understanding you required
She was there to fill in those blanks
She stayed beside you & held you through your worst moments
The things i should have done...
I thought you were strong enough...
But now i know you're frail..
I've failed you as a girlfriend and a fiance
I've haven't tried my best to spend sufficient time with you
Neither have i given you the shoulder you needed
I was never there
& i deserve this ending...
Now...
Looking at my bowl of Korean noodles with a single egg with a perfect yolk makes tears swell in the corner of my eyes..
Leather pouches, bags and hand crafts were bought but never given...
Black letters and white pens... Black earrings...
Monkies & FroGGies brings backs so much memories
That are so hard to just sweep aside
Hearing that you're sick makes my heart ache
Hearing that you're sad makes me even sadder...
The worst is to know that you still care...
And i know you still love me ...
But we are just not possible...
At least not now...
So much pain and sorrow I've brought you
I just want to say I'm sorry
I didn't cherish you enough
& I'm glad you've found her
You told me that you'll learn to forget me
Can i say don't go?
I told you a lie & i know you can tell
But i can't lie about one thing
& that is i still love you
But seeing you happy is more than enough
At least now there's someone to cherish you more than i
At least now I'm being punished for my selfishness
At least now you can have the simple life you've longed for
And i meant it with all my heart when i said that I'm happy for you
Now...
I'll just have to learn to let you go
Slowly I'll learn to be me again
If fate really meant for us to be together
We'll meet again sometime in our lives
Maybe than we'll have a happy ending
Maybe than i can complete your lose bits again
You were the greatest gf one could hope for
At least to me you were...
& i never regretted being with you
Thanks for every single thing you have done for me
Thanks for all the happy memories
I'll carry them in my heart forever
And my doors are always open for you
& you know it...
I'll learn from these mistakes
& if there's one chance
I'll take it...
Just one word from you is all i need
My final goodbyes to you Jia Jia
Yours Only,
Kha Kha
(20th March 05-30th October 06)
p.s(Sometimes Love just ain't enough...)
Where i am
It seems like a rather long time ever since i set foot in perth. But in just 4 days time, i'll be returning to what seems like a rather distant place that used to be home. So much things has happened in the past year and all happened at rather unpredictable time. This year has been a real roller coaster ride for me. I've fallen and picked myself up countless of times and each time i attempt to pick myself up, pieces of me get left behind. Maybe it is the universe's way of telling us that we must grow up whether we like it or not.
30th of October 2006 is the date when all things crashed down hard on me. I literally broke into a million pieces like someone who has just fallen from the hundreth floor. I expected it to happen but i didn't expect it to happen when it was just one week before my finals. Things have changed for the worst a week before my prelimary exams and now this. I can't help but wonder if i really deserve this. What have i done so wrong to deserve something like this?
A friend told me that it'll be okay, that things will be better tomorrow. But each day just escalates higher with regret and sadness. I told her that she has my support in whatever she chooses even before she said a word because i could read her like a book. It was my worst nightmare come true and that was when i knew all was lost. All my hopes and dreams with her came crashing down the moment she answered yes to the most dreaded question.
And yet, a part of me kept telling me to fight for her. She told me that she still cared and she told me lots of things which caused me to swirl into a pool of confusion. She doesn't know what she wants, but it's clear enough that she wants her. She told me she would wait for me, but she lied. Now she just wants to forget me. I don't know what to feel anymore. I was frozen ever since that afternoon. Till now i have not healed and yet i initated our friendship with such ease. What am i doing? I know that i'll get hurt even more by doing that, but i just had to do it didn't i?
Cynthia has been my soul support these days. She has been a deary and listened to my woes and tearful events for many nights now and i'm so grateful for a friend like her. Thanks to Chris(U noe wad i'm thanking you for), Shar ( my little Sis) , Kristie and others. Thanks for seeing the weak side of me and still stayed by my side. I'm eternally greatful.
Returning to Singapore means a whole lot more of issues to clear and troubles to face. I don't know if i can take it. But i know that Honey Bun will be by my side if things gets worst.
You were my everything
My light, my shadow, my soul
I'll give anything just to call you my babe again
I'll give anything to call you my friend
I'll turn my back from my life and give you everything you'd wish for
Just tell me that you still love me
Tell me everything will turn out fine again
Fix my heart back
I swear i'll be good this time
I'll stay by your side and give you a simple life
I had forsaken all others
But why did u let her in?
I'm still deep in wonder
Have you really forgotten abt me?
30th of October 2006 is the date when all things crashed down hard on me. I literally broke into a million pieces like someone who has just fallen from the hundreth floor. I expected it to happen but i didn't expect it to happen when it was just one week before my finals. Things have changed for the worst a week before my prelimary exams and now this. I can't help but wonder if i really deserve this. What have i done so wrong to deserve something like this?
A friend told me that it'll be okay, that things will be better tomorrow. But each day just escalates higher with regret and sadness. I told her that she has my support in whatever she chooses even before she said a word because i could read her like a book. It was my worst nightmare come true and that was when i knew all was lost. All my hopes and dreams with her came crashing down the moment she answered yes to the most dreaded question.
And yet, a part of me kept telling me to fight for her. She told me that she still cared and she told me lots of things which caused me to swirl into a pool of confusion. She doesn't know what she wants, but it's clear enough that she wants her. She told me she would wait for me, but she lied. Now she just wants to forget me. I don't know what to feel anymore. I was frozen ever since that afternoon. Till now i have not healed and yet i initated our friendship with such ease. What am i doing? I know that i'll get hurt even more by doing that, but i just had to do it didn't i?
Cynthia has been my soul support these days. She has been a deary and listened to my woes and tearful events for many nights now and i'm so grateful for a friend like her. Thanks to Chris(U noe wad i'm thanking you for), Shar ( my little Sis) , Kristie and others. Thanks for seeing the weak side of me and still stayed by my side. I'm eternally greatful.
Returning to Singapore means a whole lot more of issues to clear and troubles to face. I don't know if i can take it. But i know that Honey Bun will be by my side if things gets worst.
You were my everything
My light, my shadow, my soul
I'll give anything just to call you my babe again
I'll give anything to call you my friend
I'll turn my back from my life and give you everything you'd wish for
Just tell me that you still love me
Tell me everything will turn out fine again
Fix my heart back
I swear i'll be good this time
I'll stay by your side and give you a simple life
I had forsaken all others
But why did u let her in?
I'm still deep in wonder
Have you really forgotten abt me?
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