After 4 years

So after so many years, we finally met. After when I had the courage to pick up the pieces and patch my life back together without her . Now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and a diamond ring on my finger. His family loves me and I love them too. I am attending church and am an active leader in it as well. Worship is my thing in church and I'm becoming good at it. 2.5 years of bliss and all along I felt a piece missing in my life. God saved me from dying that slow painful death, and this is how I repay him...

She and I started talking not too long ago. I found out from my friend that J told her that the person she loved the most is me. I didn't know what to make of it at first. Getting to know her all over again was excruciating painful. It felt like opening old wounds every single time. Throughout J's relationship with her gf, J never threw out the things I left her. The letters I wrote her are still sitting in her box. The monkey I gave her in storage. Our engagement rings still in existence, one of which is around my neck now. Cats still healthy and well. Her gf (V) and her had very little in common, but V was able to give her companionship, a home with a mother that accepts her for being gay, she's kind hearted and smart too. How much more can you ask in a gf. Most importantly, she lived in their hometown. Communication was a no brainer.

She was still calling me when she was with V. We talked on Msn and sms sometimes. Nothing flirty or anything but eventually I decided to cut her off completely. It was too painful and I couldn't fully concentrate on W. She checked my facebook or friendster whenever she could and V found out about it. V didn't love the cats and always stated they were my cats and not hers. Things eventually fell through when V fell in love with J's good friend. Jealousy and insecurity eventually set in and among other things. J said as time passed, she found out that she has made a mistake. Started regretting that she didn't give us a chance. She did try to make everything work with V, and knowing her she must have tried really hard. J never threw me out even though everything seem to be going well for her in those years. I threw all her letters, cards, monkey Kha. I regret that severely. When we got the talking, it was like coming home.

J and I decided we had to deal with these feelings when I returned from Perth. We have been talking every night and the feelings just won't dial down. She was extremely happy and everyone around her could feel it. Everyone knew she was happy again. Despite W being in my life. Despite the fact that we'll be getting married very soon. What am I doing? I don't deny the fact that I am doing something so very terrible, but I have to be honest with myself. I have to find out if I can truly live forever without her in my life. If I am going to make a huge mistake.

As soon as I arrived back in Singapore, we met the following day with her friends. I was petrified. I couldn't say a single word without wanting to run out of the room. That night we sat at the old playground below my block and faced our greatest dilemma. I eventually told her I could never leave W after all he has done for me. She looked so stressed out and perhaps sad? I don't know, while sitting on that bench, all I wanted to do was to hold her and told her everything was going to be OK. That she would always be the person i loved the most on this earth. I don't know why I reached out and took her hand in mine. I wanted to comfort her I suppose. She never let me release my hand. The next thing I know, we kissed.

It was earth shattering. All the fear, sadness and worry went away with that kiss. How can I deny how I feel? I knew I was in trouble, but I also knew I had to be faithful. This was crossing the line. So what can I do? I felt awful, terrified and disgusted with myself. I am not this person. I am not the person who cheats. I told C about what happened and she was mad at me. Who won't be? I am mad at myself too.

Now we're working things out together. She told me to give her a second chance. She told me a lot of things that made me question her actions before. V was just a substitute she says. She didn't know at the beginning. She realised as time past. She told me if she didn't take this chance now, she knew she would loose me forever. That is why this is happening now. That is why she can't wait for me to break up with W before telling me. Cause I would never leave him.

Up till now I don't know if I can do it. He is my life, he told me he can't live without me. I know how depressed he can get and I do not want to see the person I love spiral down into something so dark and twisted and having to pick up the pieces by himself. I won't let sth that happened to me before happen to him. He is so happy now...I need to get out of J's world. I need to break someones heart and I don't know if I can do it. I hate being the hurter.

Choosing her meant giving up my life totally. Family will probably disown me. Church will not want a gay person on the centre stage. My pastors are like my extended family who loves me to bits. How can I disappoint them? Help. God, if you see this and hear my cries can you please help me. She broke my heart and I don't think i can ever trust her again. W's heart is only for me, he never forsaken me and he is clueless now. I hate the fact that I'm hiding sth from him. I never use to. And I never want to ever again. He accepted me fully, my past and everything in between. How can I do this to him.

Maybe I should just be alone. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved at all. Maybe I actually don't. Maybe I belong in hell for what I'm doing. Maybe this is taking someones love for granted. This is betrayal. God help me.